If I had the choice to do whatever I wanted, I don’t know what I would do.

That is why right now I’m freaking out a little.

I don’t have to stay at the school where I work now. I could, but I don’t have to.

I don’t particularly want to spend another year in Bellingham, or buy a car. Those come as part of the package deal if I work at this school next year.

But if I didn’t decide to stay, where would I go?

Another country most likely. (Or possibly Colorado or California, to be closer to my nieces.)

But WHICH country and to do WHAT?

Oh my gosh, the world is my oyster and I don’t know where my pearl is,

or if I’m supposed to become one? how do I do that with all this sandy debris?

How do I make myself round and glimmering? I’m all rough on the edges.

I don’t even like the taste of sea water.

The inside of this oyster stinks, and it’s dark.

I feel a little trapped.

It smells like fish in here.

And I can’t breathe.

…

Forget the analogy!

The world isn’t my oyster, it’s an enormous round chunk of land with molten lava at its core, covered in tiny people and places. And I’d like to find some way to wrap my mind around this and the fact that I could go find out about more of these tiny people and places. I could do that in September if I wanted to. Get up and go go go.

Somewhere.

Monday the tables took a swift turn on me.

I distinctly remember having this thought in the morning: “Wow, I haven’t really gotten sick yet. So far so good.”

Then, by the time I got home I felt like I had to pee relentlessly even though I really didn’t, and I realized a dull ache in my lower back was worsening.

And yes, it’s a UTI. And now I’m on antibiotics, the little killers.

Then, I distinctly remember having this thought in the early afternoon as I watched two kids fighting, one from our classroom, one from the other: “At least Woody and Wade aren’t in the same class!”

Then, a couple hours later, Lisa saddled up next to me to quietly reveal that some changes are likely coming our way starting January, one of them being the addition of Wade to our classroom.

Duh. duh. duh.

And the poop hits the fan.

It’s also smeared across the stool where Marcus sat.

(I’m not upset about these things, it’s just curious my thoughts seemed to be triggering change.)

A)Christmas songs at school:

“In the meadow we can build a snowman.
Then pretend that he is Parson Brown,
He’ll say: Are you married?
we’ll say No man.
But you can do the job
when you’re in town.”

These lyrics, from Winter Wonderland, baffle me. I hear the kids at school sing them each day, a couple of times a day in preparation for their winter festival. Each time, these lyrics throw me.
This song is apparently all about getting hitched.

Also, they’ve been singing Favorite Things. I don’t know who did it originally, but I think of Bjork in her horribly devastating role in Dancer in the Dark whenever I hear it.

B)A conversation I overheard:

“Michael Jackson.”

“Yeah. You know what’s sad about him? He’s dead.”

C) Today Fenton asked me to not to tuck him in as tight as a Mummy, but rather, Edamame.

Hippie child.

D) I’ve been reading books to the kids while they eat their lunches. Today I decided to stop reading to give them a chance to chat amongst themselves. But what they did instead was begin chanting “READ IT. READ IT. READ IT. ”

To which I said, “Alright alright…don’t start a revolution!”

And when they asked “What’s a revolution?” I didn’t answer but just started reading again.

So what I’m teaching them is that if they gather together and demand something, they will get it.

1. Things kids said yesterday at work, within a span of ten minutes:

“When are we going to go where the muffins are? When are we going to go there?” Jonah was referring to the cornbread muffins we had baked the day before for our Thanksgiving lunch.

I overheard a couple of kids having a competitive conversation, not necessarily an argument. One went, “Carissa is bigger than you!” and the other retorted, “Carissa is bigger than you.” They managed to find a source of agreement when they started pointing out all the objects in the room I am bigger than besides themselves.

Then a second later as I scrubbed the sticky leftovers of cranberry sauce out of a pot another kid approached me and said, sounding entirely bewildered, “Why is your hand in there?!”

Sometimes kids are so freaking funny.

2. Last night I woke up what felt like every few minutes, realizing that I was dreaming of swarms of children and piles of chopped vegetables. Essentially, what the last couple of days had been. They were anxiety dreams. At one point I woke up, thinking there was a pot of boiling potatoes in my lap, but I had just gotten too hot under the covers.

3. Today is the day before Thanksgiving and the mood from what I could tell was pretty high. Most people were smiling.

4. And some were so happy they handed out complements like they came so easily. One woman standing outside the co-op watched as I parked my bike and then yelled over to me, “You look so great like that with your bike!”

I really don’t know what she meant by that, but I did look down and realize my floral skirt matched the plastic flower I’ve got attached to the panier of my bike. That could have been what inspired her kindness, but it was more likely the holiday.

5. On the flip side, some folks are distraught. I passed by two homeless folks today who looked dismal. The first was literally weeping as he walked by. The other was moving at a snail’s pace with a frown that looked weighted down with sandbags.

6. And I’ve got to mention this musical fact I learned just now from the radio. Apparently Talking Head’s Psycho Killer took inspiration from Otis Redding’s Fa Fa Fa Fa Fa, or Sad Song. That’s of particular interest to me because Psycho Killer holds a strangely significant and mysterious role in my life. It’s a song that pops into my mind on average once a week for no apparent reason. And, Otis Redding is just great.

7. And this. I’m going to see The Muppets tonight. So stoked to see these guys on the big screen.

Today is an incredibly dark day. It’s almost baffling how a day could begin, be, and end this dark.

It’s bringing my energy down slightly, but I’m fighting it.

This morning I woke up to the chorus of Journey’s Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’ and that was a great way to be startled out of bed:

Then we ended the day in the car with a classic that always gets my heart pumping. Daughter by Pearl Jam:

One of my favorite things about America is how often they play Pearl Jam and Nirvana on car radio.

On another note, I’ve got a question to pose to the two people reading this blog. Katy, and mom. And possibly a straggler who found their way onto this site thinking they might learn some Chinese.

My question is, will you buy me a ticket to see Prince in Vancouver? I found out from listening to a Canadian radio station he will be playing their megalopolis before heading to Tacoma which means I could theoretically see Prince live, if I were willing to spend 86 dollars and find a friend to do the same. Or had somebody who loves me with money…

I mean, can you imagine it?! It would be completely nuts, we’d most certainly go crazy!

Tears of joy:

I’m joyous for finally reaching a point of friendship with Lisa where she feels comfortable making fun of me. This morning as I fed our two little minnows, I said, “Oh such happy fish!” To which Lisa asked, seeming to want a real answer, “What exactly makes a fish happy? How do you know they’re happy?!” And I replied quickly, “Because they’re swimming fast.”

Uh, duh.

And to that all she said was, “You’re wack!” And continued to announce to another teacher walking into the room, “Carissa is wack.” And of course, that teacher, Keri (also a new friend) said, “YEAH she is.”

Sometimes it feels good to be teased.

Tears of sadness:

I wish I could spend Thanksgiving with family, but I won’t be this year. This fact is making me kind of bummed out. My friends and coworkers keep talking about how excited they are to fly home or have their sisters visit and so on and so forth. When you’ve got a family like mine though, spending vacations together isn’t super easy.

On the (very) bright side,  I’ll be spending winter break with Alisha, Alex, and Malia. And I’m excited for that, even though (here’s what brings more tears…) I just found out I’ll be missing Prince, who will be playing the Tacoma dome the day after I leave Washington.

The day after I leave Washington.

I really can’t believe I didn’t know he’d be here until just now. It’s now too late to plan my life around his flamboyant and I’m sure incredible visit to an American stage.

I’ve got a large family.

A large family that buzzes around the world and mostly can’t seem to stay in one spot.

That’s okay, but I wish we all had the guarantee of at least getting together once a year–all of us, in one house.

I had a dream last night where we were all just sitting on couches in a living room. My siblings their wives and my parents, all of us. It was great. And I wish it were true, right now.

It’s been raining intermittently and I think it’s about time to prepare our minds for the wet winter. I’ve started popping Vitamin D pills already. Today on the ride home we heard the tail end of a song on the radio that got me really reflecting on things.

Rain ain’t so bad. Aside from the fact that we need it to survive, it also has inspired such things as:

1. Clementine, 4,  to sing a song incorrectly, ”

“Rain rain go away, come again none of the time!”

2. bands to make real hits with lyrics reflecting their thoughts on the weather, such as those in this Eurythmic song…

Here comes the rain again
Falling on my head like a memory
Falling on my head like a new emotion

I want to walk in the open wind
I want to talk like lovers do
Want to dive into your ocean
Is it raining with you...

3. or for instance, this hit by Garbage, where she expresses her emotional need for the rain and for things to be complicated:

4. and of course one of my top favorite songs that revolves around thoughts of rainy days, Blind Melon’s No Rain:

5. and for videos with young attractive men moping and  dancing in the rain to show the distress they feel for losing their lady, and their need to have her back in Take That’s Back for Good:

6. And if you don’t like rain, at least we’ve got umbrellas…

Where would we be without rain?

In a boring world without any of these songs!

These kids I work with are awesome. Here are some reasons why:

1. Today, they were all using “sure” phrases. I couldn’t count the number of times I heard a kid say one of these three: “sure thing!” “sure do!”, “for sure!”

For instance:

child 1: “Do you want to have tea with me Woody?”

child 2: “Sure do!”

They were impressively enthusiastic.

2. Jack’s daily question was asked again today without fail, “How did you get here today?” And so I didn’t answer, but rather just looked at him, like, you know exactly how I got here, in which brand and year of vehicle, but I’ll give you the chance to answer your own question…and he followed up with,”GARBAGE?!”And I couldn’t help but visibly chuckle, because somehow I think that sort of thing is funny. (I’m much closer to 5 than 24 when it comes to humor)

And I’ll probably regret letting him see me laugh at that for the rest of the year.

3. Today one of the younger girls came to me with a dillema. Lucas said he wouldn’t be her friend. I tried to think of my best reply, to treat her concern seriously, and say what I might say to someone my age going through a similar problem. So, I said something along the lines of, “Don’t worry about it Sophie (2 1/2 year old…), Lucas (4) will come around. He’ll learn to realize how awesome you are and want to be your friend. But for now I think he just needs some time.”

She looked at me, didn’t reply and went to the other adult in the classroom, hoping she might offer some more accessible words of wisdom, “Lisa, Lucas won’t be my friend!”

4. I took three of the kids on a walk through the tall grasses that surround the school. I couldn’t find the way back to the school, and worried I’d lose one of them in the 6 foot grass so we had to turn back. And, on the way back they decided to jump in some puddles. What’s funny about that is, they also decided to form their own structure, so that they could wait in line for a turn to jump in the puddle. Waiting in line to jump in a puddle just seems like one big contradiction to me.

5. My ankles were being pet today because I sewed fur on them for my costume. My ankles, they were being pet.

6. Tomorrow they probably will be sick all over the place because tonight is Halloween and therefore heaping bags of candy will have been consumed. I’m expecting a very wonky day.

8. Anyways, they’re pretty cool.

I realized today that there is already a collection of songs that could make up the beginnings of a soundtrack for the class I work with at Pioneer Meadows.

1. Cecilia, Simon and Garfunkel:

There’s a 3 year old girl named Cecilia, so a song dedicated to her (paying no mind to the lyrics because they aren’t child appropriate.) I mentioned to her today that there’s a song with her name as the title. A few minutes later I caught her singing to herself at the painting easel and I could have sworn this is the song she was singing. That would be my mind playing awesome tricks on me.

2. I Feel Just Like a Child, Devendra Bandhart:

Because they’re children, and this song is awesome.

3. Shock the Monkey, Peter Gabriel:

This morning Fynn and Riley, Lisa’s two young boys, were repeatedly and without explanation saying “shock the monkey.” So of course, this song is a must. They were also saying “nevermind clementine” but I’m not sure what to do with that.

4. Hungry Like the Wolf, Duran Duran:

Lily, a four year old girl with a lot of spunk, walked around the room singing this song quietly to herself for a week or so. She’d also sing it as she sat with her lunch out in front of her, waiting for everyone else to get ready so she could eat.

These are the songs that have to be in the soundtrack for sure. As more come to me I’ll add them.