Things that make my world feel small right now:

1. I’m at the Black Drop in Bellingham, listening to a techno mix that my friend still living in Beijing made. And I feel like I’ve got my head in Beijing, but the rest of my body in relatively small town America.

2. Today I’ve seen four people around town that I helped serve free sandwiches to last night. That makes me feel a part of a community, like my group of friends has suddenly expanded.

3. A guy sitting across from me was just reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, one I’ve been working on myself.

4. Last night I went dancing at 80s night with a large group of friends. And just now I ordered a coffee from one of my new friends who was also there.

5. I’m searching for work, alongside millions, many of whom are looking for the exact same jobs as me. That also makes the world feel small.

6. How do you decide where to be…

Do you stay because you love the people you’re with?

Or do you leave because you want an adventure, to travel?

Do you leave because you can’t find meaningful work?

Do you leave so you can be near your family?

Or do you stay because you have some of the best friends in the world right here?

Do you stay because your heart might burst if you leave your best friend again?

HOW DO YOU MAKE THAT KIND OF DECISION?

…particularly when your gut is tied up and confused more than it’s ever been before.

For the first time in a long time I don’t feel like running away.

There have been so many times where my gypsy heart says I’m doing the wrong thing by not running off and living out of a suitcase. And I do want to travel. I always want to travel, but my heart is content by being here too. And by being here, once I get work again, I’ll be able to vacation. That’s the idea.

I finally feel like I’m going after something. I’ve now have a goal I need to accomplish one way or another, and figuring out how to accomplish it makes me feel I have a purpose.

I wish I had a porpoise though.

At least I have friends, and you know what? I saw a young girl that painted something amazing the other day at FACES. I saw her and her family at a neighborhood gathering. That’s what community is.

And then I went to a friend’s house for the first time and was told the back door is usually open and I’m free to come by whenever. I’d need the directions again to get back there, but that too, is what community is.

Having the bass reverberate through your household because the downstairs neighbors are having a party at 3 am, calling them angrily that night, and then making up the next day in their living room…that’s also a type of community.

Anyways, the people here are top grade.

I just found out Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie are doing a comedy show tonight in Bellingham and I’m going to miss it because I’ve got our AmeriCorps graduation ceremony.

Poop.

I love those guys.

Anyways, I’m officially done with my year of AmeriCorps and that’s pretty crazy, and very liberating. I’m ending the term feeling good because I’ve got something like a plan for myself and appreciated the job for the experience but am thrilled it’s done. That school was a challenge to say the least.

I danced last night at 80s night, and I’m planning on dancing again tonight.

It’s summer. It’s not perfect summer weather every day but the vibe is in the air.

First, that.

Second, this:

I feel restless.

I’ve been painting. I’ve been painting Katy dressed like a cowgirl with a beluga in the background. And I’m getting paid by Ameri Corps to do it.

I’ve been spending some time with the kids at FACES and I love them. Also getting paid by Ameri Corps for that.

Thankyou America.

I know I want to work with special ed, but I don’t know how or when.

I might end up back in school over the next few years.

I’ve been getting de ja vu like nobody’s business.

I’m scared and excited at once.

We might be inviting somebody from the outside to live with us in our house. We need to find somebody that likes us and all our quirks.

Hall and Oates will be playing at Bumpershoot this year and I need to see that.

The sun has been visiting us for a while.

I’ve got about ten friend crushes right now.

I want to be my best. Right now I’m running at about 75%. The goal is more like 85, 90.

I can’t wait for Alisha to have her baby and to visit her in Cali.

Love rules and ruins everything.

I had a dream of animals. A huge wing flapping owl, a camel, a moose, deer, kangaroos. It was awesome and I want to dream of them more.

That’s all for now.

There must be some misunderstanding. Must be some kind of mistake.

I’m only very mildly having a hard time.

Grocery store position is temporarily on hold. They said to call back the end of next week. Maybe something will be available then.

But lately I’ve been having the strangest dreams. A lot of anxiety and disturbing stuff. A lot of questioning and frustration.

And I feel unsettled, which for me seems to be a trend.

But anyways, to the good stuff. There are a few songs I listen to any time I’m upset about anything, and they make me feel so silly and so much better.

Here they are, first a song for when I don’t think I can get through, Daniel Bedingfield helps out,

next for when I’m angry and want to watch someone else go ballistic,

for when I want an instant pick me up,

and best of all, when I want to see a wonderful man jump up and down in his golden sequins overloaded with joy,

They usually do the trick.

Lately I’ve decided to put some energy into our backyard and hopefully it will account for something.

For now though we’ve already got cilantro, chives, thyme, arugula, a gingko tree, some dracanea that might come back to life, a couple of succulent plants, and Taylor’s kale all in pots sitting on the back steps.

And in our miniature garden we have 4 kinds of beets, radishes, spinach, parsley, and carrots. We have potatoes in a bucket. Lining the house we have Bachelor’s buttons just sowed so we’ll see how they come up, as well as sweet peas and sunflowers I just sowed. I really hope they grow well. I also planted some lavender and an african daisy.

To the side, under an enormous lilac? shrub I planted a bleeding heart plant and a lupine, and there happens to already be rhubarb there (not terribly happy), then I sprinkled some wildlflower seeds around them.

Today I also tore out heaps of poisonous hemlock and grasses that were hiding big landscaping rocks, a bell bar weight, and a beer can, all waiting probably for twenty years to be uncovered.

My backyard has become my gardening experiment because I’ve never gardened before but I really wanted to. And I want to learn at least a little of what some people are able to hold up there about plants.

Like the man I ran into at the store while I was buying seeds. I clearly didn’t know what I was looking for, and as he put it, “gardening is what I do” and he knew it all it seemed. And he was wonderful, just happy to help, a quiet lovely man at the store to buy beet seeds to plant because his daughter loves beets. For a few minutes he was a stand-in father, helping me along and I wish he could be my gardening mentor.

…and I felt great when he happened to mention the terror that poisonous hemlock is, because I had just spent 2 hours pulling it all out of our yard. Apparently the berries those plants produce could kill a child if they ate just one.

Now we’ll see how I do keeping good things alive.

1. I’m feeling generally more calm about life and all of it’s unknowns, maybe because it’s Spring and that’s a time for increased comfort and wonder.

2. I slept in the living room with a couple of friends last night.

3. That was also comforting, particularly after watching the most horrifying movie I care to ever see. Anti Christ. I told Hunter I wouldn’t watch it, and then I watched it.

4. You should keep your promises.

5. The rapture happened I guess, and it sounds awfully quiet outside, but so far as I know everyone in this house didn’t make it.

6. I’ve been jogging recently. And either not stretching enough or going too far too soon. Or, this is normal pain that I’m just not accustomed to yet.

7. Anyway, it still feels great to jog 8 miles one day, then jog an additional 4 the next day.

8. But aside from jogger’s high and feeling healthy, the highlight so far was the other day when I was on the 8th mile of my jog, almost home and I’m going through a park packed with people. A father is riding his bike past me, his son riding along in a seat behind him. I hear the kid say, “Daddy! Faster! Faster!” I see them pass along side me, then the little boy turn back, look at me and say, as they speed off, “Sucka!”

9. And then I guffawed because that’s hilarious.

10. I wanted so badly to catch up to them and overpass them, yelling behind me, “Who’s the sucker now?!” but being on the 8th mile I didn’t have the energy. And now I’m afraid if I see them again another day I’ll yell it out, and immediately regret it as they both will have forgotten about the moment and think I’m a terrible person, or I’ll accidentally call it out to the wrong father and son.

11. I miss my friend, but I guess he’s worse off, being in misery (or something like that) without me.

A year ago Taylor suggested I download the band Trampled by Turtles as I was preparing a playlist for our roadtrip to New Mexico, while I was still living in Beijing.

I loved their sound instantly and listened to them up and down the streets of the big city, learning the words more and more,  lip singing along while riding the subway, and belting the songs in my bedroom at home.

The band and their sometimes ravenous, sometimes sollen songs became a symbol of returning to America, trying out a relationship that was about a year and a half pre-meditated, and starting my first full time job working for Ameri Corps.

I re-read an e-mail I sent around that time and I was so excited. I remember that, nearly unbearably excited. And that’s what I’ll always match Trampled by Turtles with.

Now I’m nearly 9 months into my Ameri Corps term and went to see them last night in Seattle with Katy, a lady I adore and happen to get to work with every day of the week. And it was wonderful.

The band was humble, thankful, played a set long enough to fit two album’s worth of songs, and sang their sad songs with such umph that I had tears in my eyes along with all 5 of them. They all appeared to have their personal tragic story to apply to each one, and felt the lyrics with a true passion.

Their mandolin and violinist are incredible. And their banjoist I kept watching because every few minutes he would smile a little, and it looked like he was just calmly loving what he was doing. He was happy we were enjoying it too, but I’m pretty sure they all would have been happy without us too.

They were just great, and I feel like something was fulfilled by going to see them last night.

It’s like I’ve finally arrived.

(Also, Katy told me as we filled her car at the gas station that I would be the one driving us down. After hating her for a couple of minutes I got on the freeway and took us to Everett.)

A couple of matters flick my stress switch these days.

1. what I’m doing after americorps, and what I’m doing after that, and after that

2. my heart and it’s vulnerabilities

And all I want to do is have strangers with names like Beetle gift me crystals, bike in the sun on country roads, eat smoothie ice blocks, and dance to house music for hours and hours. But that is what Colorado has had to offer and I’m about to move back to my AmeriCorps life in Bellingham where for whatever reason these things have not happened.

Maybe because it isn’t as close to the sun.

I want to lose myself in the beat like my friends and I used to do in Beijing, and we did here in the middle of America on Friday night.

I want to stay up all night, amazed by what stamina my body has when the right music is playing.

After all life isn’t about having control of either 1. knowing what you’re doing or 2. your heart, so wouldn’t losing yourself in music make the most sense?